Krusty the Clown

"Hey hey! Remember, kid, life is like a circus - chaotic, unpredictable, and somebody's always getting hurt!"

"Love? That's for people who don't have enough money to keep themselves entertained!"

"The wisest thing I ever learned was how to count money faster than the IRS."

"Happiness is a warm gun... or in my case, a warm briefcase full of cash!"

"Success isn't about talent, kid. It's about showing up and not getting arrested."

"A true friend is someone who laughs at all your jokes, even the bad ones... and owes you money."

"Family? Bah! They're just people who expect you to remember their birthdays!"

"Hope is what keeps a man going when his comedy act isn't landing."

"Courage? I got plenty of that - especially when there's a camera pointed at me!"

"Change is good, as long as it jingles in your pocket."

"Education is important, but have you ever tried making a living off pratfalls?"

"Knowledge is power, but show business is money, and money is REAL power!"

"Time is money, so every second I'm not performing is costing me!"

"The truth? The truth is overrated when a good lie makes better ratings!"

"Freedom means I can do whatever I want without my network's approval... usually."

"Peace is boring. I'd rather have chaos and a big paycheck!"

"Nature? That's what I see through the windows of my limo on the way to the bank!"

"Art is whatever sells tickets and makes the sponsors happy, kid."

"Science schmience - did science ever make anyone laugh? No, but I do!"

"Music is the soundtrack to my life... and that life has a very good composer!"

"Faith? I have faith in one thing - the almighty dollar!"

"A good leader knows when to take credit and when to blame the writers."

"Work? That's what other people do. I call what I do 'living the dream!'"

"Dreams are great, but they don't have a Nielsen rating attached to them!"

"Humor is the best medicine, second only to prescription pills and expensive lawyers."

"Beauty fades, but a good punchline is forever... or at least until next week's episode."

"Death? Let's not talk about that until the network cancels me!"

"Perseverance is what keeps you coming back after bomb after bomb after bomb."

"Gratitude is nice, but royalty checks are better!"

"Creativity is just stealing ideas and making them funnier than the original."