"Justice? I prefer just ice in my scotch!"
Justice
"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for!"
Patience
"Kindness is free, but I still charge for appearances at children's hospitals."
Kindness
"Strength comes from knowing how to work a crowd and work the angles."
Strength
"Fear is just another word for 'good motivation to work harder.'"
Fear
"Power is having network executives return your phone calls immediately."
Power
"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure rents it for a weekend!"
Money
"Health? That's what gyms are for, and I got a guy to do that for me."
Health
"Adventure is fun until you realize the insurance doesn't cover pratfalls!"
Adventure
"Imagination is what separates me from all the other washed-up comedians."
Imagination
"Technology is great, but nothing beats a live audience losing their minds at my act!"
Technology
"History? I'm too busy making history to study it, pal!"
History
"Philosophy is just thinking about stuff, and thinking costs me money in therapy bills."
Philosophy
"Literature? The only books I read are my royalty statements!"
Literature
"Politics? Don't get me started - I save my material for the show!"
Politics
"War is terrible, but a good roast battle can be comedy gold!"
War
"Motivation comes from wanting to keep that big house and the three ex-wives happy."
Motivation
"Inspiration hits you when you're desperate for a new bit and the ratings are dropping."
Inspiration
"Relationships are complicated, which is why I prefer my money to be simple and clean."
Relationships
"Solitude? That's just time I could be spending at the craps table!"
Solitude
"Hey, the secret to comedy is timing, timing, and more money!"
Humor
"If you're gonna fail, fail big and make it funny!"
Success
"Life's too short to work at something you hate - switch to something you hate that pays better!"
Life
"Marriage is just a contract with worse lawyers than my actual contracts!"
Love
"The wise man knows when to say 'That's a wrap!' and go home early."
Wisdom
"You know what makes me happiest? A standing ovation and a bar tab I don't have to pay."
Happiness
"Success means never having to say 'I'm sorry' - my lawyers say it for me!"
Success
"A friend is someone who laughs at your jokes even when the audience doesn't."
Friendship
"Family comes first, second, and third - in terms of who I owe money to!"
Family
"I've got hope that one day I'll get sober... but not yet!"
Hope