Lily Tomlin

"There's something about comedy that allows you to say what everybody's thinking."

"I've always believed that humor is the best defense against despair."

"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it purposefully."

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes."

"I think what separates us from the animals is that we can talk about our feelings."

"The love boat has crashed against the realities of life."

"I prefer to think of myself as a natural philosopher rather than a stand-up comedian."

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

"The future will either be better or it will be worse, and I plan to enjoy every moment of uncertainty."

"Words are like hats. If one doesn't fit, you try on another."

"I've got a problem with authority figures—I don't have any respect for them."

"You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame."

"I always felt that the measure of a person is how they treat people who can do absolutely nothing for them."

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

"The road to success is always under construction."

"We are all just walking each other home."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be dead now, and nobody knows how to turn it off."

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

"If I had known what trouble you were going to be, I would have remained a virgin."

"Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. If it's the right opportunity, it will come around again."

"Reality is a collective hunch."

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?"

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."

"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

"I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

"No wonder we're all so crazy. Normal is in the minority."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."