Mark Twain

"To my mind it is plain that the invention of language was the invention of lies."

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."

"Our little American cousins will drink more water than any other nation."

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?"

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature."

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back when it rains."

"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."

"If a cat could talk, it wouldn't."

"The man who does not make mistakes, does not usually make anything at all."

"Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it."

"An angel in the house is worth two on the street."

"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence."

"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like."

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started; pick one foot, plant it in front of you."

"To argue with a man who has renounced his reason is like giving medicine to the dead."

"I have found that it is a good sign when a man is not able to convince himself with his own arguments."

"It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"I have seldom heard a claim to originality, however modest, which was not accompanied by a loud demand for respect."

"The human race's greatest invention is not the wheel, but the wheel going round and round."

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."

"Put all your eggs in the one basket and—WATCH THAT BASKET."

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow."

"Really, what we want now, is for things to happen that we can write about."