Phyllis Diller

"A smile is a facelift that's in everyone's price range."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Now I'm broke."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"Old age ain't no place for sissies."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde."

"The real reason we can't have the plans the Cleavers have is we're all out of money."

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

"Laughter is the best medicine."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"I fayed my hair because I wanted to look like a poodle."

"The only way to get rid of my fears is to make films and keep busy."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"I'm saving that roast for a special occasion. I'm using it as a paperweight."

"We are all on this Earth to help others; what on Earth the others are here for, I have no idea."

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."

"I don't believe in diets. The only thing that works is gas-powered lipo-suction."

"My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him out."

"Never use a preposition to end a sentence with."

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway while it's still snowing."

"I have very poor vision and I have to wear very thick glasses and a muscle in my left eye that twitches."

"A dead thing can go with the Earth forever... Man is capable of hope."

"Stay out of the sun, it ages you."

"When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate."

"I wanted a meaningful dialogue with my son, but he just grunted at me."

"The world is full of people, and I avoided most of them."

"I would never want to be a member of a group that stood for something I believed in."

"Fang was such a bad cook, he used to boil water and it would crack."

"My second husband didn't mind that I read all the time."

"I told my husband 'You're always pushing me around and getting violent, so I'm leaving you.' 'Good,' he said, 'Get my pipe and slippers.'"

"I've been asked to say a few words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?"