Phyllis Diller

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"My mother said I was a very stubborn child. I said, 'I'm not stubborn, I'm just determined.'"

"There's a reason they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I've been married so many times I have rice marks on my face."

"My husband and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I wear a necklace because I want someone to know they failed to hang me."

"I've been called worse than a woman, and that's when I'm dressed as a man."

"The truth is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself."

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."

"Wanna know how to drive your mother crazy? Leave the cap off the toothpaste."

"I want my tombstone to say 'I told you I was sick.'"

"Don't say anything online that you wouldn't want plastered on a billboard with your face on it."

"My husband said 'You're driving me crazy.' I said 'That's funny, I'm just trying to get to the grocery store.'"

"Assume a virtue if you have it not, and eventually you will have it."

"The human spirit needs actual beauty more than it needs bread."

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Life is short. Make it sweet."

"I asked my mother what it's like to have an unsupportive husband. She said, 'I don't know, ask your father.'"

"When did I realize I was no longer young? When I went to the beach and all the young men offered me their seat."

"Stop and smell the roses, and in between, pull some weeds."

"My hair has turned from mousy brown to mouse grey."

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"Tangled hair is better than tangled affairs."

"There's a real art to comedy."

"My mind goes blank and my mouth keeps running."

"One good thing about getting older is you don't have to go to as many funerals anymore."

"I tried to be good about housework, then I decided life was too short."

"My mother used to say, 'Never trust a thin cook.'"

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"Success is not about money, it's about doing what you love."