Phyllis Diller

"I don't do things for the money. I don't do much of anything these days."

"My husband was so unhealthy, the only way he could kill himself was with kindness."

"There's nothing sadder than an old man trying to look like a young man."

"Talking to my kids about their day is harder than any comedy bit."

"Never throw rice at a wedding. It's like throwing food at starving people."

"I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."

"Everything goes in cycles. Give it time."

"My husband always said I was hard to live with. He's been gone for six months and I haven't heard a complaint."

"You have to believe in yourself when no one else does."

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."

"The secret of life is finding the courage to do what you believe is right."

"I don't understand all the fuss over marriage. Seems like a lot of work."

"I have everything a woman could want: nothing."

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"I tried to commit suicide by eating a whole bottle of blueberries. It was the most delicious suicide ever."

"My doctor says I should stop taking bubble baths because I'm always getting drowned."

"The only difference between men and women is that women can have multiple orgasms... at the bank."

"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late."

"I learned that life is full of surprises, like your husband."

"The best time to do your laundry is when you have absolutely nothing to wear."

"You're never too old to learn something stupid."

"True peace is being content with what you have."

"My kids would go to the end of the earth for me. That's what worries me."

"I told my son, life is not fair. He said, I know, and neither is Monopoly."

"To achieve great things, you must first believe you can."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"Friendship is born when someone says to another 'What! You too?'"

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."

"I just made up a word: Plagiarism."