Phyllis Diller

"My husband's an idiot. His mother is an idiot. Her father was an idiot."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I never had. Now I realize I should have let them experience some challenges themselves."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end you're looking for a club and a spade."

"Old age ain't for sissies - you need your sense of humor just to get through the day."

"The secret to aging gracefully is to laugh at everything, especially yourself."

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"I've been married so long, I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco."

"A good laugh is sunshine in the house."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I told my husband he was drawing his eyebrows too high. He looked surprised."

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never get on the same wavelength."

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

"I want my epitaph to say 'She tried' - that's all any of us can do."

"Getting older is like climbing a mountain - the higher you get, the colder it gets but the view is worth it."

"My mother said I was a late bloomer. I said, 'Better late than never.'"

"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"Success is when your children finally move out and you don't have to answer a thousand questions a day."

"A face-lift would be less painful than listening to my mother-in-law."

"The most important thing in life is showing up. Everything else is just details."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them laugh."

"My computer is my best friend. It never talks back."

"Age is not a number, it's a sentence."

"I've been so many places and done so many things, I can't remember half of it - but boy was it fun!"

"The problem with beauty is that it comes with instructions you don't understand."

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away."

"I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for about 40 years."

"Life was a lot simpler when I didn't know so much."