Phyllis Diller

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."

"I realized that my life is only as good as my laughter."

"The fountain of youth? It's just staying busy and having something to laugh about."

"I've got all the money I need if I die by Thursday."

"Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"You're not old until you're older than you thought you'd live."

"Never underestimate the power of a good wig and positive attitude."

"I'm so old, my social security number is a Roman numeral."

"The secret of my energy is coffee, spite, and a good pair of shoes."

"I learned that you can't control other people, but you can control how you react to them."

"My hair is naturally this color - dishwater blonde."

"The best part of getting older is not caring what people think."

"I'm not saying I'm old, but dinosaurs moved out of my way."

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to act like it."

"Love is grand, but friendship is better, especially when they include good wine and laughter."

"I told my doctor I wanted to live forever. He said I'd have to stop dying."

"The most important ingredient in any recipe is love - and butter."

"I've learned that good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget."

"My childhood was so bad, my therapist says I deserve a refund on my life."

"The real tragedy isn't getting old - it's running out of people to complain to about it."

"I'm so old, I remember when 'going all the way' meant taking a train."

"Time is a funny thing - it goes so fast when you're having fun and even faster when you're running out of it."

"I've never been one for taking things seriously - it causes wrinkles."

"The secret to happiness is lowering your expectations and raising your martini glass."

"I realized that the people who love you most are worth the madness."

"My husband and I have an arrangement - he doesn't understand me and I don't try to understand him."

"Youth is wasted on the young because they don't appreciate sleeping until noon."

"I'm not going to say I was ugly as a child, but my baby pictures could have been used to frighten soldiers."

"The greatest luxury in life is doing exactly nothing and not feeling guilty about it."

"My life philosophy is simple: get up, show up, and don't give up."