Phyllis Diller

"Life is too short to be boring, so I've made it my mission to add a little chaos to everyone's day."

"I've learned that the best friendships are with people who laugh at your jokes even when nobody else does."

"My mother told me that life gets better with age, and she was right - now I don't care what people think."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I didn't have, but I didn't want them to be like me."

"A smile is a facelift that's in everyone's price range."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

"Old age is no place for sissies."

"Housework is what woman does, that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it."

"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never get their hair done in time."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby."

"I went back to my hometown, and it was so small, my high school yearbook had just one picture in it."

"Most people don't realize that as we get older, we don't lose our sense of humor - we just find different things funny."

"A cluttered house is a sign of a cluttered mind, but an empty house is a sign of a empty mind."

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

"I have very poor vision, and I can't imagine looking at someone and seeing them look back with such love."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living - the world owes you nothing, it was here first."

"The fashion is not something that lives only in dresses. Fashion is in the sky, in the street; fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening."

"You know you're old when you've lost all your marvels."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"Fang and I have an agreement - he doesn't go to the office with me, and I don't come home with him."

"My husband said he wanted more space, so I locked him out of the house."

"I would have made a terrible mother because I'm basically a very selfish human being."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."

"I've learned that keeping up with the Joneses is a full-time job."

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age and avoid mirrors."

"Boredom is the fear of self."

"I was so naive as a girl that I used to think that if you kissed someone, you had to marry them. I kissed a lot as a girl."

"Time flies when you're having fun, but it runs when you're not paying attention."

"The worst part of being sick is that you actually feel better when you throw up."