Phyllis Diller

"I've been to every county fair in America, and I learned that some people will eat anything if you fry it."

"Women want to hear what women have to say, and I've never understood why men don't listen better."

"The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer."

"I've learned that you should never talk to your mother about your father's girlfriend."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

"The most important words in any language are 'please' and 'thank you' - but most people only use them when they want something."

"I told my husband that if he ever had an affair, I wouldn't leave him. I'd just kill him in his sleep."

"Happiness is getting the last laugh."

"The way to get happiness is to give happiness."

"Every time my husband comes home, I'm delighted. Sometimes it takes him a few days to arrive."

"I read that we spend a third of our life sleeping. I'd like to spend more time waking up."

"The only reason people get dressed up is because they're going to see someone worth dressing for."

"I've been invited to my wedding - I'm still deciding whether to go."

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"Fang and I went to the bank, and the banker asked me what I did. I said nothing, and it turned out to be more profitable than any job I could have had."

"I'm a very good driver, which is why the insurance company gives me terrible rates because they say I scare other drivers."

"The reason I'm so good at playing a housewife is that I am one."

"I've learned that you don't have to be sick to get better, and you don't have to be broken to heal."

"Suffering makes you deep. Very deep indeed."

"I'm at the age where my back is telling me things my wife's been trying to tell me for years."

"The greatest remedy for anger is delay."

"I've been rich and I've been poor - rich is better."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

"My mother was a second-story worker - she was a window cleaner."

"I spent my life being told that my laugh was too loud, but I decided the world could use more laughing and less thinking."

"The secret of eternal youth is arrested development."

"I don't mind growing old - I mind becoming less."

"You can't fall in love twice with the same person, but you can fall out twice."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards - you start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."