Phyllis Diller

"The secret to staying young is to keep moving and never sit still."

"I once heard that laughter is the best medicine, and I've built my whole career on that belief."

"The most important thing I've learned is that nobody cares as much about your mistakes as you think they do."

"I've discovered that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the second best time is today."

"I wanted my children to have all the things I didn't have, but that doesn't mean I wanted them to be spoiled brats."

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight, especially your face."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"Old age is no place for sissies."

"The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she's expecting a baby."

"You know you're old when your back goes out more than you do."

"I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths."

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

"A man has to learn that you can't believe everything he hears."

"Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself."

"I fervently hope that the fires of freedom will burn brightly to the end of time."

"My mother told me I was dancing before I was born. She could feel me doing kick-turns inside."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing."

"I realized that comedians of the day were trying to get laughs with gags, me, I wanted to speak the truth."

"The real reason your pro golfer is on the tour is to make the money."

"I wanted to be a serious actress, but I couldn't get past the funny parts."

"When you're young, you think your parents are wrong about everything. When you're older, you realize they were right about most things."

"Life is like a box of corn flakes; you never know what you're going to get."

"The secret of staying young is to lie about your age and exercise regularly."

"I don't mind getting old, I just don't want to look it."

"Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get."

"You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself."