Phyllis Diller

"I've been married three times, and I have no regrets. I'm very glad I married all three of them."

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"If I can't laugh about it, I don't want to do it anyway."

"My husband said he wanted more space, so I locked him out of the house."

"Time flies when you're having fun, and it drags when you're not."

"The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

"Laughter is the best medicine for the soul."

"You're not old until you start talking about the weather."

"I've always felt that there was something in me that's beyond the material."

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and find someone whose life gave them vodka."

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I'm saving that roast for a special occasion, said no one ever about my cooking."

"The problem with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts while stupid people are full of confidence."

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."

"I try to avoid things that make me fat, like mirrors."

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do."

"My mother always said I had a gift for making people laugh, especially when they saw my face."

"Grief is the price we pay for love."

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

"I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall."

"The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without intention of loving her."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, forget what you did, but they won't forget how you made them feel."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it takes a lot of alcohol to see it sometimes."

"You gain strength through failure, not success."

"I always said that if you could make people laugh, you were never really down and out."

"The secret is not to give up hope; it's to change your perspective."

"My cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind; a completely empty desk is a sign of an empty mind."

"I wanted to marry a person who was as wonderful as my mother, but I ended up marrying three times instead."