Phyllis Diller

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."

"I used to think I was indispensable until I spent a week away and they didn't even notice I was gone."

"Laughter is the only thing that keeps you sane in an insane world."

"I always said that I would never remarry, but I've learned that never say never when it comes to matters of the heart."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about - unless you're being talked about by the in-laws."

"I've learned that you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell a lot by the way it's been read."

"My recipe for success is to get up early, work late, and strike oil."

"I went to the beauty parlor and asked for something to make me look younger. They gave me a dimmer switch."

"The most dangerous place in the world is between a husband and his Sunday newspaper."

"I've been asked to do a lot of things in my life, but the most important has been to just show up."

"The only thing I have in common with my mother is that we both have terrible taste in men."

"I once said I would never be on television, and now I can't stay off it."

"The secret to a long marriage is remembering that you're in it together, not against each other."

"I spent my youth trying to be someone else and my old age trying to be myself."

"Laughter comes from a warm heart."

"I've learned that the greatest gift you can give someone is your time."

"The reason I have a loud laugh is because I find myself amusing."

"I was born in a very small town, and I had to leave it to become big."

"Mothers are all slightly insane, which is why they're so good at being mothers."

"I've learned that you shouldn't take advice from people who don't have happy lives."

"The thing about getting older is that you no longer have to pretend to know what you're doing."

"I became a comic because it was the only thing I could do well without having to wear a uniform."

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."

"The only way to get rid of my fears is to turn them into something funny."

"I've learned that enemies are often just friends you haven't fought with yet."

"The truth about getting older is that you finally know who you are and you're okay with it."

"I've found that life is much easier when you decide to be happy regardless of your circumstances."

"The reason I married Fang is because he made me laugh, and I needed someone to make me laugh."

"Success is not about being the best - it's about being better than you were yesterday."

"I've learned that you can spend your whole life trying to please people and end up pleasing no one."