Red Skelton

"If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't, either."

"I read so much about the evils of smoking that I decided to quit reading."

"The greatest thing you can do for another human being is to smile at them."

"If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his vices are."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"I have always been fond of the West Indian practice of wearing while working in the heat of the day the blue gingham bungalow apron."

"The person who never made a mistake never accomplished anything worthwhile."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place."

"Nature does not like to be commanded, except by one who obeys her."

"I suppose I could run for president. All you have to do is shake hands, kiss babies, and lie like a rug."

"The true art of memory is the art of attention."

"If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint."

"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."

"When you're young, you think the world revolves around you. When you're old, you discover it always did."

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. By then it was too late."