Red Skelton

"The harder I work, the luckier I get."

"We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time they deserve."

"The police force is just like any other organization: it's composed of human beings, and human beings are imperfect."

"I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"Some people have a way of talking that makes you want to put cotton in your ears."

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would come into my neighborhood after dark."

"The great secret of success, of whatever kind, is to realize your own incompetence."

"If you're willing to take a chance, you can accomplish almost anything."

"The man who waits for roasted pigeons to fly into his mouth must wait a very long time."

"I maintain that if you're willing to register as a Democrat, I'll cook you a meal they'll remember."

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."

"I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day in the morning. I asked them where they were going and they said, 'None of your business.'"

"The love of learning, the sequestered nooks, and all the sweet serenity of books."

"Temper is what gets you into trouble. Pride is what keeps you there."

"I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco."

"Troubles are only opportunities in work clothes."

"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything."

"There is nothing more important than good health. Except maybe a good sense of humor."

"I wouldn't say I'm getting forgetful, but the other day I completely forgot that I'd already forgotten something."

"The secret of education is respecting the pupil."

"When you quit school you have to quit something, or you don't learn anything."

"No one has yet realized the wealth of sympathy, the kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"I've always been in the wrong place at the right time."

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know an unsuccessful person who had a coherent plan?"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, even the dog eats takeout."

"Paying an income tax is contributing to the government, I suppose, but it's like contributing to the guy who mugs you."

"In the realm of ideas, everything depends on enthusiasm; in the real world, all rests on perseverance."