Red Skelton

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

"America is a country where you can speak freely about any subject as long as you don't criticize anybody."

"I wouldn't say our town was backward, but the last book was written here in 1926."

"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so."

"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."

"We laugh at the past but learn nothing from it."

"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after 48, he knows too little."

"I saw a woman with a very large diamond ring. Her husband must have made a very big mistake."

"Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool; after he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it."

"Alcohol is a perfect solvent: it dissolves marriages, families, and careers."

"The man who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

"I have no desire to appear before you with any of the arts of rhetoric. I come to you with no prepared phrases."

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby."

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like it for getting on your nerves."

"The debt we owe to the play of imagination is incalculable."

"I was born modest, but it wore off."

"If we ever get to heaven, I'm sure we shall find it dull and hard to adjust to."

"I define a human being as a creature that is capable of appreciating the music of Mozart."

"Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."

"Live right and the world will come to you."

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands."

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."

"Flattery is from the teeth out. Honest criticism is from the heart."

"You've got to be an optimist to be a comedian."

"I wouldn't hurt a flea, but that's just because I can't aim."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing."

"The man who has lost faith has lost everything."

"I gave my wife a mood ring so I'd know what kind of mood she's in. It just turned black and exploded."