Rodney Dangerfield

"I don't get no respect, no respect at all."

"My wife, I told her she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I tell ya, my wife and I, we didn't go on a honeymoon. We went to the store for a blender."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"I joined the Boy Scouts, but I quit when I realized they wanted me to earn badges."

"My father? He never went to school. He used to carry a gun in his holster. He robbed trains."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously."

"My wife asked me, 'Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?' I said, 'Of course I do!'"

"I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Then I told her to stop looking so surprised."

"A man once told me, 'Don't you ever get tired of being depressed?' I said, 'I don't know, let me ask me.'"

"I tell ya, I get no respect. My wife takes the car keys and she takes the house keys. She takes my money."

"My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud."

"I came home and my wife says, 'Will you love me when I'm old and covered in wrinkles?' I said, 'I do!'"

"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we were married. We had to ask the manager for a key."

"I'm so ugly, my wife can't even look at me when we're making love. She has to look at the wall."

"My wife wanted a dog. So I brought her a mirror."

"She said, 'What would you do if I ran away with the circus?' I said, 'Start charging admission!'"

"I have nothing but respect for you, but this is nothing to do with respect."

"My wife said to me, 'You never listen.' Or at least I think that's what she said."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner separately, we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

"My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating."

"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I've never been.' I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"My wife and I tried to keep our marriage fresh. We took a trip. We took separate trips."

"Life is full of surprises. The trick is not to let them surprise you."

"Success is relative. It's like a refrigerator. I think it's cool."

"I tell ya, I'm depressed. My psychiatrist told me to do something that takes my mind off my problems. So I took up gambling."