Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife and I got into a terrible argument. She said, 'You're going to regret this!' I said, 'I already do.'"

"I come from a very poor family. My father washed dishes while my mother dried. Then they switched."

"My wife bought a new car. She told me, 'It cost $10,000.' I said, 'Well, take it back and get a cheaper one!'"

"My childhood was miserable. My parents put a picture of another child on my nightstand."

"I go to the barber, and he said, 'Didn't I shave you yesterday?' I said, 'No, I shaved myself yesterday!'"

"People keep asking me for advice. I tell them, 'Don't ask me.'"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing another woman. She asked, 'Who?' I said, 'My mother.'"

"My wife can't cook at all. She makes water burn."

"I told my boss, 'Look, I don't like my job.' He said, 'That's fine, I don't like you either.'"

"My wife said, 'Let's make love like we did on our wedding night.' I said, 'Okay, but you'll have to take off that dress first. It's ripped.'"

"I'm not getting older, I'm just becoming a classic."

"No one likes me. The only person who talks to me is my mother, and she only talks to me when she wants something."

"My wife said, 'What would you do if I said I'm pregnant?' I said, 'I'd check the DNA tests!'"

"I told my wife, 'Can you make love like you did when we first met?' She said, 'Sure, if you leave the room.'"

"My wife asked me, 'Do you believe in life after death?' I said, 'No, but I believe in life before marriage.'"

"I was an ugly child. My parents used to tie a porkchop around my neck so the dog would play with me."

"My wife went to the beauty salon and got a mud pack. For two days she looked great. Then the mud fell off."

"I don't need to go to the gym. I get all my exercise jumping to conclusions."

"My wife said, 'You're never going to believe what I saw today.' I said, 'Let me guess—your feet?'"

"I came home early from work. I surprised my wife. She was surprised to see me too. She was in bed with my best friend."

"I tell ya, my childhood was so tough, my family tree is a cactus."

"My wife is a spitfire. Every time she gets mad, she spits fire. Well, not real fire, but you get the idea."

"My wife said, 'I want a divorce.' I said, 'Okay, but you're paying for it. You wanted it!'"

"People ask me, 'What's your secret to longevity?' I tell them, 'Not dying.'"

"My wife and I have an open marriage. Unfortunately, it's open to everyone but each other."

"I was a beautiful baby. Then I turned three."

"My wife said, 'Let's have another child.' I said, 'For what? So it can be miserable too?'"

"I'm at an age where I need a nap after eating a sandwich."

"My wife and I went to a marriage counselor. The counselor said, 'You two need to communicate more.' My wife said, 'I'm communicating right now. I want a divorce.'"

"I told my wife, 'I'm going to be a comedian.' She said, 'You're already a joke!'"