Rodney Dangerfield

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion. He said, okay, you're ugly too."

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew how to handle it... I went to school and got my degree."

"No respect, I tell you. I get no respect whatsoever."

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies pitched in to fix the screen door."

"I told my wife she was ruining my life. She said, get in line."

"My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife found out."

"Even as a kid I was unpopular. The other kids said I was dumb. I told my father and he said, now don't worry about it son, you're adopted anyway."

"I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word it says."

"I told my wife I wanted to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the people in his car."

"What a childhood I had. My father wanted me to become a doctor. But he didn't want me to go to medical school. He wanted me to marry one."

"I remember when I was a kid, I said to my father, Pop, what's the secret to success? He said, son, it's all in the wrist. Then he hit me with a belt."

"A girl phoned me and said, Come on over, nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home."

"I'm so ugly that my wife can cheat and nobody cares."

"I worked in a factory making yo-yos. It was a production job."

"My wife asked me why I was reading the life insurance policy. I told her it was because I wanted to see what I was worth dead or alive."

"Doctors are like lawyers. They're both willing to bury their mistakes."

"I drink so much coffee that my blood type is now espresso."

"My wife ran off with my best friend. I don't even miss him that much."

"I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, why, you're not even working here anymore."

"My father was a hard man to get along with. One day he said to me, don't take any wooden nickels. I never knew what he meant, but I found out."

"I told my wife, if you leave me, I'll follow you. She said, I know."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"The only time my wife and I had simultaneous orgasm was when the judge hit the gavel on our divorce decree."

"I told my wife she was seeing things. She said, I know, I'm looking at you."

"My wife said, you're either going to quit drinking or I'm going to leave you. I said, okay, I'll quit drinking. She left anyway."

"I've got to watch my drinking. The other night I put a lampshade on my head at a party. Then I realized it was a woman's head."

"I asked my wife why she was staring at me. She said she was just wondering how come the garbage disposal ran quieter than you do."

"My wife says I'm a dreamer. I say, at least when I'm asleep I don't have to listen to her complain."

"I told my wife that I needed to take a vacation alone. She said, that's fine, just don't come back."