Rodney Dangerfield

"I tried to tell my wife a secret. She said, I know, and by the way, so does everyone else."

"I asked my mother why she had me. She said it was an accident. I said, that explains a lot."

"I bought my wife flowers for our anniversary. She said, now I have to buy you a casket."

"I went to my high school reunion. Nobody remembered me. Apparently I peaked in elementary school."

"I told my wife that honesty is the best policy. She agreed. Then she told me what she really thinks of me."

"I asked my wife if she believed in reincarnation. She said, yes, and next time I'll come back as someone else."

"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."

"I told my wife she had a nice figure. She said, yeah, it's a nine... in circumference."

"I've been trying to lose weight for years. So far I've lost three jobs."

"My wife asked me if I was having an affair. I said, is that what this about, or are we just having a nice conversation?"

"I told my wife that I wanted to start fresh. She said, okay, but you're still leaving."

"I asked my psychiatrist if I was crazy. He said, relative to what?"

"My wife said I never take her anywhere. So I told her to get in the car."

"I've been so depressed that even my doctor said, maybe you should talk to someone. I said, I'm talking to you."

"I told my wife I didn't love her anymore. She said, well at least that's consistent with everything else."

"I asked my father for advice on marriage. He said, don't."

"I went to the doctor and told him I was feeling dead inside. He said, that explains why you're so cold."

"My wife said I needed to make more money. I said, I'm trying, but apparently crying doesn't pay."

"I told my wife she was driving me crazy. She said, where to?"

"I asked my therapist if my childhood trauma would ever go away. He said, not if you keep paying for sessions."

"My wife said she was leaving me for someone better. I said, anyone?"

"I've aged so much that people think my wife is my nurse."

"I told my wife I wanted to die in her arms. She said, stop holding your breath."

"I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grows up. He said, happy. Not like you."

"My wife said I was a pain in her side. I said, at least I'm on her mind."

"I've been told I have a great personality. Unfortunately it's the only thing I have."

"I told my wife that life is short. She said, it's been pretty long for me."

"I went to confession and told the priest about my marriage. He said, have you tried prayer? I said, have you met my wife?"

"My wife asked me if I still thought she was beautiful. I said, yes, from a distance."

"I told my boss I wanted a promotion. He said, you're lucky to have a job."