Rodney Dangerfield

"I was so ugly as a kid, my parents did everything they could. They put a sack over my head."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Women fly like the wind when you ask them out."

"Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives."

"I don't have any friends. The only person who ever calls is my mortgage company."

"I told my wife she was lucky to have me. She said, who's lucky now?"

"I asked my wife how long she'd been cheating on me. She said, who's counting?"

"My wife's mother lives with us. That's all right, I don't like her much anyway."

"I told my friend he was being selfish. He said at least he didn't have to hear about it from his wife."

"I'm at an age where I want to do everything one more time. Including checking if the door is locked."

"I joined the Boy Scouts. Then I realized they were just using me for camping."

"I went to my therapist and told him I had thoughts of suicide. He said, that'll be two hundred dollars."

"My wife said I need to be more romantic. So I rented a limousine and took her out. Then I told her to get out."

"I told my wife I was leaving her for her younger sister. She said, that won't work, she doesn't like you either."

"I asked my mother what it was like having me as a son. She said, it was like looking in a mirror. A very unflattering mirror."

"I've been married so long I can't remember who I was before marriage. It's like my life ended and a new one began."

"My wife asked me if I wanted to go see a marriage counselor. I said, why, it's all your fault."

"I told my wife she needed to lose weight. She said, and I need you to leave."

"I spent all my money on a great car. Now I sleep in it."

"I've been depressed for so long, I don't even remember what happiness feels like."

"I asked my barber why he was charging me fifty bucks for a haircut. He said, that includes the comb."

"My wife said she wanted to be treated like a queen. So I sent her out in exile."

"I went to a nightclub and asked for a table for one. The waiter said, isn't that just the bar?"

"I'm so old, my birth certificate says expired."

"I joined a gym. I haven't been there in two years, but I'm still paying for it."

"My wife left me a note that said I'll be back in an hour. That was three weeks ago."

"I told my son I'd give him anything he wanted if he got good grades. He said, how about a new father?"

"I asked my accountant if I could deduct my wife as a dependent. He said, why, is she working that hard?"

"I've been married for so long that my wife and I don't even speak anymore. We just grunt at each other."

"My wife said I need to get more exercise. I told her I've been running away from her for years."

"I asked my wife if she wanted to dance. She said, that's the last thing you'll ever do to me."