Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife said, 'What do you love most about me?' I said, 'Your absence.'"

"My mother-in-law visited for a month. I said, 'When are you leaving?' She said, 'Why, don't you want me here?' I said, 'No, I want you to leave!'"

"I don't have a lucky tie. I have a lucky suit. And when I wear it, people are luckier to get away from me."

"My wife wanted to know about my dreams. I said, 'Most of the time, I don't have any.'"

"I came home and my wife said, 'You're late!' I said, 'Yeah, and I'm leaving again!'"

"My wife asked me, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'No, but the way you're eating, you will be!'"

"I have three kids. One doesn't respect me, one doesn't like me, and one won't return my calls."

"My father told me, 'Don't cry, boys don't cry.' So I didn't cry. I drank instead."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I asked my wife, 'What do you want for your birthday?' She said, 'A divorce.' I said, 'I wasn't planning to spend that much!'"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

"I told my boss, 'I deserve a raise.' He said, 'Based on what?' I said, 'Based on my years of service.' He said, 'You've been here three months.'"

"My wife said, 'Do you want to hear about my day?' I said, 'Not particularly.' She said, 'Well, you're going to!'"

"I'm not saying my wife is negative, but she's the only person I know who looks at a glass of water and says it's too humid."

"My mother used to say, 'Rodney, don't do that.' I did it anyway. Now she's right—I shouldn't have."

"I went to my doctor and told him, 'I feel like I'm dying.' He said, 'You are. We all are. That'll be $200.'"

"My wife said, 'You never bring me flowers.' So I did. She said, 'These are dead.' I said, 'So will you be someday!'"

"My wife and I have nothing in common. She likes to talk, and I like to be quiet. We're perfect together."

"I went to the bank and asked for a loan. They said, 'What's the collateral?' I said, 'My good name.' They laughed for ten minutes."

"My wife said, 'Do you believe in horoscopes?' I said, 'Only when they say bad things about your sign.'"

"I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall."

"My wife wanted to go to the beach. I said, 'For what? To scare the whales?'"

"I've been married so long, my wife and I wear matching hearing aids."

"My wife said, 'You're a pain in the neck.' I said, 'Well, you're a pain everywhere else.'"

"I told my wife, 'I'm tired of this marriage.' She said, 'Good, get some sleep. I'm sure you'll feel better.'"

"My wife asked, 'Do you think I'm intelligent?' I said, 'No, but you're very good at pretending.'"

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."