Rodney Dangerfield

"I've been married so long that when my wife smiles, I check my wallet."

"I tell ya, I get no respect. Even my shadow leaves me at night."

"My wife wanted to name our son after a great historical figure. I said, 'Okay, let's call him Nobody.'"

"I joined the army to get away from my problems. Turns out, the army IS the problem."

"They say money can't buy happiness. But it can buy a better class of misery."

"My doctor told me I have to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"I asked my wife if she believed in life after death. She said, 'Not for you.'"

"Success is like a ladder. I climbed it, and someone stole the whole thing."

"People ask me the secret to a long life. I tell them: bad luck."

"I tried to be a poet. My wife said my verses were so bad, even my mistakes had mistakes."

"Every time I go to the beach, the tide comes in further than it did the year before. I think it's avoiding me."

"My father used to say, 'Son, hard work never killed anybody.' But why take the chance?"

"I went to my high school reunion. Nobody remembered me. So I pretended to be someone else."

"Patience is a virtue. Too bad I didn't inherit it—I inherited my mother's temper."

"They say knowledge is power. I say lack of knowledge is even better—you don't know what you're missing."

"I asked for the truth. My wife said, 'You're asking the wrong person.'"

"Dreams are where the real problems happen. In my dreams, I'm actually successful."

"My childhood wasn't so bad. My parents just treated me like I was their experiment."

"I tried meditation. Sat quietly for an hour. My mind was louder than a rock band."

"Freedom is the right to say two plus two make five. The rest is slavery."

"I read once that we only use 10% of our brains. Looking at my life, I think I'm using 2%."

"Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's being terrified and telling your wife anyway."

"Change is good, they say. So I changed my phone number, my address, my name. Still unhappy."

"Hope springs eternal. My wife hopes I spring out of the house every morning."

"Gratitude is counting your blessings. I counted mine—still got zero."

"Friendship is like a plant. You gotta water it. I forgot to water mine—it died in 1987."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My wife must be looking at someone else."

"Strength comes from adversity. I've had so much adversity, I should be Superman by now."

"Fear is just imagination in overdrive. I have a very powerful imagination and a very fast car."

"Power corrupts. I never had power, so I remain perfectly awful."