Rodney Dangerfield

"Health is the greatest wealth. I'm broke on both counts."

"Adventure is out there, they say. I prefer staying home, but my wife keeps pushing me out the door."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Good thing, because my knowledge is terrible."

"Technology makes life easier. It's also made it impossible to ignore anyone."

"History repeats itself. First as tragedy, then as my marriage."

"Philosophy teaches us to question everything. I question why I'm even alive."

"Literature is a window to the soul. My soul must be a very depressing read."

"Politics is simple: everyone lies. Everyone. Including me, right now."

"Motivation is doing what you don't want to do. I'm perfectly motivated by my wife's anger."

"Inspiration strikes like lightning. It also disappears just as fast—usually around Tuesday."

"Solitude is golden. That's why I lock myself in the bathroom for three hours every night."

"Perseverance is key. I've persevered through forty-three years of disappointment."

"Justice is blind. Lucky for me, so is my wife about my infidelities."

"Kindness costs nothing. Good thing, because I can't afford it anyway."

"War is hell. Marriage must be the suburbs of hell."

"Death is the only certainty. Besides taxes. And my wife's disappointment in me."

"Nature is healing. My therapist said to spend time in nature. I spent six hours in the woods. Still miserable."

"Art imitates life. No wonder my life looks so bad—it's being painted by a blindfolded artist."

"Science proves everything. Except that my wife married me for love."

"Music soothes the soul. I've tried everything from Beethoven to death metal. Still angry."

"Faith moves mountains. I had faith. The mountain didn't move. But I lost my faith."

"Leadership is about inspiring people. I inspire people—to avoid me at parties."

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal thoughts. He told me not to worry about it."

"My wife wants to eat at those Chinese restaurants where the cook makes food right in front of you. I said, 'Honey, the food isn't what concerns me.'"

"I was so ugly as a kid, my parents put a bag over my head. Not for me—for them."

"My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I can get a good signal.'"

"My childhood was rough. My parents never played catch with me. They played catch with my allowance."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. She thinks I'm cheating on her. I'm not even cheating on my diet."