Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my boss three companies were after me, so I needed a raise. He asked which ones. I said gas, electric, and cable."

"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."

"I joined a gym. I've been there five years, they still don't know my name. They just call me 'the guy who comes in twice a year.'"

"My wife said, 'You never buy me flowers.' I said, 'They die.' She said, 'So will I, and I'd like to see them first.'"

"I was so depressed, I tried to commit suicide by putting a loaded gun in my mouth. My wife said, 'Go ahead, you'll probably miss.'"

"My wife is always telling me I need to be more romantic. I said, 'Honey, I'm romantic. I cried at our wedding.' She said, 'You were crying about the caterer's bill.'"

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"My therapist says I have an unhealthy relationship with money. I said, 'How much do I owe you?'"

"I went to the beach with my wife. She said, 'You're not getting in the water with that body.' I said, 'What's wrong with it?' She said, 'Everything.'"

"My wife wanted a pet. I said, 'We already have one.' She said, 'You don't count.'"

"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, 'Just get me something that makes me look sexy.' So I got her drunk."

"My wife is so religious, she thinks Moses invented the tablet."

"I told my wife I was going to the gym. She said, 'Finally!' I said, 'To sit in the sauna and use their bathroom.'"

"My marriage is like a deck of cards. We started with two hearts and a diamond. Now I'm looking for a club and a spade."

"I said to my wife, 'Can I ask you something?' She said, 'You just did, that's two.'"

"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."

"My wife said, 'I want you to treat me like a princess.' So I sent her off to marry a prince in another castle."

"I tried to be romantic. I set up candles everywhere, music playing softly. My wife walked in and said, 'Why are you paying attention to the house?'"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat."

"I said to my wife, 'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did.' She said, 'Not screaming like the people in his car.'"

"My wife wanted to go somewhere tropical. I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'Great!' I said, 'Yeah, the bathroom fan works wonders.'"

"I asked my wife what she's thinking about. She said, 'Nothing.' I said, 'That must feel good.'"

"My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."

"I went to a mind reader. She told me I didn't have one."

"My wife is so controlling, she doesn't let me use the bathroom without her permission. I'm an adult!"

"I told my wife she was beautiful. She said, 'You're just saying that.' I said, 'You're right, it took me a while to come up with something.'"

"My wife wanted a big wedding. I said, 'Why? It's just one day.' She said, 'Exactly.'"

"I said to my wife, 'I need some space.' She said, 'Good idea, I'll take your stuff.'"

"My wife told me I should be more ambitious. I said, 'Ambitious? I'm unemployed and I want to stay that way.'"

"I tried to tell my wife a joke. She said, 'That's funny, you think I listen.'"