Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife told me I'm not mature enough. I said, 'Am too.'"

"I went to my wife and said, 'I want to start fresh.' She said, 'Great idea. Who is she?'"

"My wife is so negative, she thinks the glass is half empty. I think it's half full. The glass is just broken."

"I told my wife she was being irrational. She said, 'That's rational for what you've done.'"

"My wife wanted to know if I thought she was pretty. I said, 'You were.'"

"I said to my wife, 'I'm leaving you.' She said, 'Where are you going?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting there as fast as I can.'"

"My wife told me I never make her feel special. I said, 'You're special alright.'"

"I went to the bank and asked for a loan. They said, 'What's your collateral?' I said, 'My wife's jewelry.' They said, 'That's fake too.'"

"My wife asked me if I'd ever cheat on her. I said, 'Only at cards.'"

"I told my wife I was going out with the guys. She said, 'Have fun.' I said, 'Really?' She said, 'Yeah, it's the only way I'll get peace and quiet.'"

"My wife is so forgetful, she forgot why she was mad at me. I'll take it."

"I said to my wife, 'What makes you think I'm cheating?' She said, 'Intuition.' I said, 'Good guess.'"

"My wife told me I snore. I said, 'I do not.' She said, 'You just argued with me in your sleep.'"

"I went to marriage counseling. The therapist said, 'What's the problem?' My wife said, 'He is.' I said, 'And she is.' The therapist said, 'I'm the problem now too.'"

"My wife wanted to know my net worth. I said, 'Negative.' She said, 'That's what I thought.'"

"I told my wife she was aging well. She said, 'Thank you.' I said, 'Your face is like a fine wine—it's giving me a headache.'"

"My wife is so critical, even my failures disappoint her."

"I said to my wife, 'I've been thinking about us.' She said, 'About time.' I said, 'Yeah, we should break up.'"

"My wife told me I never help around the house. I said, 'That's not true. I open the door when you come home.' She said, 'That's called a reflex.'"

"I went to my wife and said, 'I made a decision.' She said, 'Without me?' I said, 'Yeah, it was refreshing.' She said, 'You better un-make it.'"

"My wife's love language is shopping. She communicates by talking about things we can't afford."

"I told my wife I wanted to be spontaneous. She said, 'Good, pack a bag.' I said, 'Where are we going?' She said, 'Away from you.'"

"My wife asked me what I was thinking about. I said, 'How much I love you.' She said, 'Liar.' I said, 'Okay, I was thinking about the Knicks game.'"

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal thoughts. He said, 'That will be $150.' I said, 'I don't have $150.' He said, 'Come back when you do.'"

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"No respect, I tell you. I joined a health club last year, paid my dues. Haven't lost a pound. They misrepresented their business to me."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."