Rodney Dangerfield

"My childhood was rough. My parents didn't want me. They put me in a basket and left me on the steps of the fire department. The fire department had a good laugh - they left me on the steps of the police department."

"I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed me. She said she only liked me as a friend."

"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I've never been.' I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"My wife goes shopping and comes back with fifteen bags of things she doesn't need. And I said, 'Honey, we got a guy in the middle of the park that can do that for free.'"

"I told my doctor, 'Doc, help me. I'm on a roller coaster, and I can't get off.' He said, 'Mister, you're in my office.'"

"I said to my wife, 'Why do you always want to go out?' She said, 'Because I'm afraid you're going to die in the house and I'll have to pay rent someplace else.'"

"My wife said, 'You're always pushing your luck.' I said, 'That's not luck, that's just common sense.'"

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them."

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"My wife said, 'Can you pour the wine?' I said, 'Sure, how do you like it?' She said, 'In large glasses.'"

"I told my wife, 'Get your coat.' She said, 'Why, are you throwing me out?' I said, 'No, I'm going to gas myself in the car.'"

"I'm so ugly, they asked me to join the military. Not to fight—to scare the enemy."

"My wife and I tried to play hide and seek. I hid. Twenty years later, she's still looking for me."

"I said to my wife, 'You never say I love you.' She said, 'You never ask.'"

"Life is like a restaurant. You start with appetizers, then get the main course, then dessert. I'm still waiting for my entree."

"I went to my doctor. I said, 'Doctor, I can't do my old activities anymore.' He said, 'Don't worry, neither can I.'"

"My marriage is like a deck of cards. We started with two hearts and a diamond. Now I need a club and a spade."

"I said to my wife, 'I want a divorce.' She said, 'How much are you willing to pay?' I said, 'How much you got?'"

"I tried to join the Boy Scouts. They said, 'You're too much of a boy and not enough of a scout.'"

"Success is relative. The more success I have, the more my wife and I have relatives."

"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. She followed me all day yesterday just because I said I was going to the gym."

"I have nothing against work. I've worked my whole life. But I've never found a job that needed me to get out of bed."

"My wife told me to take out the trash. I said, 'Sure, where do you want to go?'"

"I went to my barber. He said, 'How do you want your hair cut?' I said, 'In silence.'"

"I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but I need a tetanus shot just to kiss her."

"My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station."

"I said to my wife, 'What's for dinner?' She said, 'Surprise me.' So I booked us a hotel room."

"Time flies. Before you know it, you're dead and buried."

"I told my wife I had to work late at the office. She said, 'Which office, the man's or the woman's?'"

"My wife and I tried open marriage. She left the door open and never came back."