Rodney Dangerfield

"I'm reading a book on the history of glue. Can't put it down."

"My wife said, 'I need space.' I said, 'Go to Saturn.'"

"I went to confession. I said, 'Forgive me, Father, I've sinned.' He said, 'I know. I've met your wife.'"

"Success is when you earn enough money to not care what people think. Then you realize you can't afford to think that way."

"I told my wife, 'I have a surprise for you.' She said, 'Please tell me you're leaving.'"

"My psychiatrist said I was crazy. I said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"

"Life is a highway, and I'm having car trouble."

"I went to a fancy restaurant. The waiter said, 'You look like someone famous.' I said, 'I know. But I'm broke.'"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

"People say money doesn't buy happiness. That's true. But it rents it for a while."

"I said to my wife, 'Why are you always sad?' She said, 'Because I married you.'"

"My wife said, 'You don't respect me.' I said, 'How can I respect someone who married me?'"

"I tried to be romantic. I turned down the lights and put on some soft music. She said, 'Are you having a stroke?'"

"Wisdom is knowing the difference between what you want and what you need. I want a new wife. I need a vacation from my wife."

"I went to the doctor. He said, 'You need to relax.' I said, 'I am relaxed.' He said, 'No, that's just your face.'"

"My wife asked, 'Do you love me?' I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'Why don't you ever say it?' I said, 'Why repeat myself?'"