Rodney Dangerfield

"My wife is obsessed with cleaning. The other day she swept behind the refrigerator. I said, 'Nobody goes back there.' She said, 'Exactly.'"

"I asked my wife to dress up like my fantasies. She put on a business suit and told me she spent all my money."

"My wife said, 'I've had it with your complaining.' I said, 'Finally, something we agree on.'"

"I told my wife I wanted to go skydiving. She said, 'Sure, go ahead.' I said, 'You're not going to stop me?' She said, 'Why would I?'"

"My wife is so uptight, when she gets a Botox injection, it goes down."

"I said to my wife, 'You look great in that dress.' She said, 'This old thing?' I said, 'Yeah, it's hiding everything.'"

"My wife told me I should read more. I said, 'Why?' She said, 'Because your conversation is terrible.'"

"I went to a dating app. Even my phone rejected me."

"My wife wanted to know if I loved her. I said, 'Of course.' She said, 'You're just saying that.' I said, 'You're right, I'm lying.'"

"I told my wife I was thinking about buying a boat. She said, 'Great, I'll start packing.' I said, 'You're leaving me?' She said, 'No, I'm making sure you take me with you.'"

"My wife's memory is so bad, she forgot we were married. Best two weeks of my life."

"I said to my wife, 'I've been thinking.' She said, 'That's new.'"

"My wife told me I never compliment her. I said, 'That's not true. I complimented your cooking once.' She said, 'When?' I said, 'I told you that poison tastes better on a full stomach.'"

"I went to the movies with my wife. She said, 'Turn off your phone.' I said, 'Why?' She said, 'Because I can't hear the person in front of us.'"

"My wife asked if I was staring at other women. I said, 'No, I was just looking past you.'"

"I told my wife I wanted to be myself. She said, 'That's the problem.'"

"My wife is so religious, she thinks Jehovah's Witnesses are just people who saw Jehovah."

"I said to my wife, 'What are you mad about now?' She said, 'That tone.' I said, 'What tone?' She said, 'Exactly.'"

"My wife told me she's been fake laughing at my jokes. I said, 'What? Since when?' She said, 'Since the beginning.'"

"I went to the doctor. He said, 'You need to lose weight.' I said, 'Doctor, I came here to feel better, not to hear my wife's opinions.'"

"My wife wanted me to quit smoking. I said, 'Why?' She said, 'It's bad for your health.' I said, 'What health?'"

"I told my wife I loved her more than anything. She said, 'Really?' I said, 'No, pizza comes first.'"

"My wife is so paranoid, she thinks I'm cheating. I said, 'With who?' She said, 'I don't know, that's what scares me.'"

"I said to my wife, 'You're driving me crazy.' She said, 'Good, at least I'm taking you somewhere.'"

"My wife told me I never buy her anything. I said, 'I bought you a mirror so you could see what you're getting angry about.'"

"I went to a therapist. He said, 'Tell me about your childhood.' I said, 'There's not much to tell.' He said, 'Exactly, no wonder you're a mess.'"

"My wife is so stubborn, when she's wrong she's still right."

"I told my wife I had a long day. She said, 'That's nothing. Try shopping.'"

"My wife wanted to know if I'd die for her. I said, 'No, but I'll live miserably.'"

"I said to my wife, 'You know what your problem is?' She said, 'What?' I said, 'Exactly, me.'"