Spike Milligan

"I've got a memory like an elephant - I never forget anything I want to remember, and I never remember anything I want to forget."

"To be boring is to risk being remembered."

"My son is now approaching manhood - in another forty-five years."

"I spent three days in a monastery in the mountains and didn't say a word to anyone."

"Life is just a series of accidents that have meaning if you decide they do."

"I believe in the immense power of the performing arts to change lives."

"The British Empire was built on cups of tea - that's why they invented China."

"I'm not depressed, I'm just emotionally accurate."

"Stamina is the quality of being able to continue with something even when it's pointless."

"I've been married four times - I'm either a romantic or a slow learner."

"God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh."

"The world doesn't make sense, so why should I?"

"I'm the only man who hates his own company and can't get rid of himself."

"There's no such thing as an impossible task, just impossible people."

"Sausages are a great mystery to me - I don't know who eats them."

"The mind is its own place and its own prisoner."

"I became a comedian because I was afraid of silence."

"All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."

"Genius is the ability to see the obvious in a new light."

"I dream in black and white because I lived in black and white."

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that very existence is an act of rebellion."

"I have benefited greatly from my enemies' criticism."

"We are a nation of shopkeepers and we should be proud of it."

"Packing a suitcase is like writing a book - it requires discipline and creative thinking."

"I prefer to think of myself as having two periods - the quiet periods and the periods where I'm not quiet."

"Time is the substance I'm made of - time is a river that carries me away."

"I would like to be remembered as having written something that mattered."

"The British have a special talent for making nothing look like something."

"I was born at a very young age."

"The Irish are the only people in the world who are nostalgic about the future."