Spike Milligan

"You know what they call a guy who listens to Prog Rock? A guy who's alone."

"The British Empire is dead, but people haven't realized it yet."

"I'm not eccentric. I'm just efficient."

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but it quiets the nerves."

"I've been a fool all my life, but it's never too late to stop."

"What makes a man a man is what he does when it's difficult."

"I don't want to be remembered as a comedian. I want to be remembered as having laughed."

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that very existence of that world is a crime."

"You cannot be both sane and in love."

"I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."

"If you want to understand me, you have to understand that I'm completely mad."

"The man who has no money is poor; the man who has nothing but money is poorer."

"I've never understood why people are afraid of new ideas. I'm afraid of old ones."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever, but a piece of chocolate is a joy for five minutes."

"I'm a hero with coward's legs."

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

"The human race is progressing so fast that all of history is just the last minute of a whole day of creation."

"All I have to do is divine what the audience want, and then go the other way."

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."

"We are all dying, it's just a matter of how fast."

"Seagulls! Rats with wings!"

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal tendencies. He said I wasn't paying him enough."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Silence is golden, but my shoes are squeaking."

"I have the body of an Adonis, but I keep it in the garage."

"The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they skip contentment."

"You silly twisted boy, you!"

"I can speak Esperanto like a native Esperantist."

"Happiness is just a chemical imbalance in the brain."

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."