Spike Milligan

"I was a funny little kid. I still am. In fact, I've never stopped being a funny little kid."

"The truth is, I'm a lazy sod who doesn't want to work."

"My mother used to say that there are two things a person should never watch: sausages being made and laws being passed."

"I've made it a rule never to trust a man with a moustache."

"Life is full of surprises. The greatest one is realizing how little you know."

"The problem with doing comedy is that you spend all your time making jokes, and not enough time making sense."

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can teach a new dog old tricks."

"I spent hours in the library learning things that were completely useless."

"A man without ambition is like a woman without a man. Neither can exist."

"Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is."

"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention."

"The beauty of democracy is that you get what you deserve."

"I have absolutely no talent whatsoever, except for talking."

"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Except laughing."

"God is a sound and a smell and a rhythm and a feeling."

"The world is mad; I am the only sane person in it."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"What good is it to have a brain if you can't make up your mind?"

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions."

"I once met a man who said he was dying of cancer. I said, 'So am I, mate. We're all dying of cancer.'"

"The answer to life is yes, life is yes, because we say it's yes."

"I wanted to be a comedian, but I ended up being a philosopher."

"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on."

"I'm not saying I'm paranoid, but they ARE out to get me."

"The moment you laugh at your pain, the pain goes away."

"I've looked into alternative medicine and I don't think there's any such thing. There's just medicine and not-medicine."

"All I can hope is that the next time I come back, it's as a dog."

"I don't believe in God, but I believe in something. I call it 'Something Else.'"

"I became a mule when I was born. My mother rode me."

"If I had my life to do over, I'd do it differently. I'd be smarter."