Spike Milligan

"I'm an old-age pensioner, and the government doesn't want me to have fun."

"War is capitalism with the gloves off."

"If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner."

"I'm desperately trying to stay alive, but I keep getting interrupted."

"Do you know what a Luddite is? Someone who hates technology. I'm not a Luddite, I just hate bad technology."

"The great love of my life is painting - I just do comedy to pay for the paint."

"I don't have an inferiority complex, I have an inferiority certainty."

"Melancholy is incompatible with bicycling."

"I must have killed about a million men and now it's time for me to go."

"The world is mad, and I am the only sane person in it."

"I've left my heart in San Francisco, my liver in whisky, and my kidneys in a washing machine."

"There are only two things that really matter - your loved ones and staying out of prison."

"I've got to get out of this place before the lights go down."

"Education is the process of driving a set of prejudices down your throat."

"I'm a dyed-in-the-wool atheist. And I'm trying to talk God into believing in me."

"If you want to understand me, you have to understand that I'm Irish, and Irish people have terrible memories."

"The secret to my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could."

"I want to be remembered as someone who was kind."

"Bluebottles will eat your legs while you're still alive."

"You can't die if you're already dead inside."

"Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

"I believe the universe is more than just material - there's an unseen spiritual component."

"The human brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get into the office."

"I am a man of principle - every one of them compromised."

"My mother said never trust a man who wears brown shoes with a dark suit."

"Laughter is the only way to cope with the insanity of the world."

"I'm writing a book on the history of glue. Don't expect it to be a page-turner."

"Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they start knowing everything."

"I came from a family of religious crackpots, which is why I ended up as a comic."

"The world is six thousand years old and I'm going to celebrate it."