Spike Milligan

"Be sensible, be practical, but don't be small."

"I must be cruel only to be kind; otherwise I am not kind at all."

"A child is born with a need to be loved, and never outgrows it."

"The secret to life is to know that you are going to die."

"I'm always amazed by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"The human race is divided into two types: those who can't stand puns and those who think they're absolutely hilarious."

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

"I've been made redundant, which is a nice way of saying fired."

"To my mind, the only possible reason to have children is to annoy your children when you're old."

"The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small."

"I had Irish flu. That's when you're sick for a fortnight."

"You know you're getting old when the candles on your cake cost more than the cake."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"I'm against religion, but I'm not against religious people."

"The answer to everything is yes, but you have to ask the right question."

"I studied literature at university, so I can tell you that books smell better than people."

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."

"Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

"The only way to enjoy anything in this life is to accept that you're going to die."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"Love is nothing. Just a chemical reaction. So is fire, and it also burns."

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get out!'"

"You silly twisted boy, you've got the whole thing completely wrong!"

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"The main problem with the literary world is that too many people who have nothing to say keep saying it."

"I believe the universe was created by non-intelligent design."

"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."

"I've always had a problem with religion. It's been responsible for a lot of misery."

"Stop telling me I'm talented. Talent is something you're born with. I've worked for everything I have."

"A modern man is someone who drives a mortgaged car over a mortgaged road on mortgaged land."