Toby Flenderson

"Patience is a virtue, but I'm not virtuous."

"I've learned to appreciate the small things in life, like being left alone."

"Rules give meaning to chaos."

"I'm exactly where I want to be in life: invisible."

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show up."

"I don't need friends. I need compliance."

"The purpose of life is to avoid regret."

"I'm not depressed. I'm just honest about life."

"Character is doing what's right when it's unpopular."

"I believe in the immortality of paperwork."

"Most people are disappointments waiting to happen."

"I've come to terms with my own irrelevance."

"The best defense against disappointment is low expectations."

"I admire people who follow rules, even when it's painful."

"Love is just a distraction from your work."

"I've learned that being right is less important than being left alone."

"The world doesn't need heroes. It needs compliance officers."

"I accept that I'm the villain in other people's stories."

"Happiness is not the goal. Avoiding harm is."

"I respect people who respect authority, even when it's me."

"The truth is, everyone is alone."

"I don't need validation. I need documentation."

"Life is a series of increasingly awkward moments."

"I've never understood why people enjoy each other's company."

"The key to peace is accepting you'll never be happy."

"I believe in the sanctity of the employee handbook."

"Most people are just trying to survive, like me."

"I've learned that vulnerability is a weakness."

"The office is my kingdom, and I am its lonely king."

"I respect the efficiency of solitude."