Tom Haverford

"I'm not interested in caring about things. I'd rather die."

"Treat yo' self. Every year, every single day, you treat yourself to something special."

"I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good."

"Success isn't about working hard. It's about working hard and looking good doing it."

"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it with confidence."

"Money is the best. I love money."

"Never ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, at any time."

"I'm going to punch you in the face with my fist."

"Friendship isn't just about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life and said 'I'm staying'."

"Life is a series of milestones and achievements. And I've achieved them all."

"I once worked at the parks department, and I was so good at pretending to work."

"Dreams are just dreams. Unless you make them real with hard work and dedication."

"Love is finding someone who gets your references."

"The key to success is surrounding yourself with people who will tell you what you want to hear."

"I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm going to turn this down."

"Being alive is great. I highly recommend it."

"If you want something, go out and get it. Unless what you want is sleep."

"Knowledge is power, but charisma is more powerful."

"I'm very close to falling in love with this waffle. Is that weird?"

"The best time to do something is before you think of an excuse not to."

"Success is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration, and 100% looking expensive."

"I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it."

"Friendship means being there for someone even when they're being incredibly annoying."

"Change is inevitable. So you might as well look good while it's happening."

"The truth is out there, but it's probably less important than your personal brand."

"I have a plan so cunning, you could pin a tail on it and call it a donkey."

"Hope is for people without money. But I have money, so I have something better."

"Every problem is an opportunity to wear a different, more expensive outfit."

"I believe in living life to the fullest, which means never being fully present."

"Patience is a virtue I don't have time for."