Tom Haverford

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. Which is why I do different things. Badly."

"I want to make a difference in this world. Also, I want to look good."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am very beautiful."

"Education is important, but have you ever had crab juice?"

"Fear is just opportunity wearing a scary mask."

"Power is not about what you do, it's about how you look doing it."

"Health is wealth, but have you considered just being rich instead?"

"Adventure is out there, but so are germs."

"Art is subjective. My existence is objectively beautiful."

"Technology is great until it requires reading the instructions."

"History will remember me fondly, mostly because I'll fund that effort personally."

"Philosophy teaches us that nothing matters, so might as well look amazing."

"Music is the language of the soul, but a good suit is the language of success."

"Faith is believing in something you can't see. I prefer to see myself in the mirror."

"Justice is important, but so is justice for my wardrobe."

"Kindness is free, unlike cologne, which is expensive and essential."

"Strength comes from within, but mostly from expensive protein supplements."

"Perseverance is never giving up on your dreams, or your skincare routine."

"Gratitude is being thankful for what you have, like my exceptional jawline."

"The greatest gift is knowing someone who cares about you. And that person is me."

"Solitude is nice, but lonely. I prefer solitude with an audience."

"War is bad. Also, my hair looks great in camouflage."

"Inspiration comes from within, especially after a good nap."

"Peace is the absence of conflict. Or it could be the absence of people who disagree with me."

"Nature is beautiful, but nature doesn't have climate control."

"Literature teaches us about the human condition. My LinkedIn teaches me about success."

"Politics is about power, influence, and looking electable. I'm three for three."

"Death is life's way of saying 'game over.' I'm still playing."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge won't let you believe you're rich."

"Love is a beautiful thing. Money is more beautiful."