W.C. Fields

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad."

"The most important thing in life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"I am at two with nature."

"Golf is a game played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out doing something else."

"If I had a shot at immortality, I'd pass on it."

"There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had the desire to be an actor."

"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."

"The chief source of problems is solutions."

"I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."

"It ain't what it used to be, but it never was."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"Suffering builds character."

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"I once lost fourteen dollars in a brawl. I was standing in front of a slot machine saying prayers. A lady knelt down beside me and said, 'Mind if I pray with you?' I said no, go ahead. She knelt down and started to pray."

"Time wounds all heels."

"I have no objection to a woman earning her living in the ordinary way, but I do object to these extraordinary methods."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."

"I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve."

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig."

"If you have to think about whether you love someone, then you don't."

"Kindness and generosity gone mad."

"Horse sense is the good judgement horses have not to bet on people."

"My movies are the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave."

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for."