W.C. Fields

"I never drank anything but the finest wines and the most expensive Scotch whisky."

"There's not a better life investment than a good education."

"The least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live toward that."

"I'm having a very good time, and the very good times I'm having are very good indeed."

"I have neither given nor received money for my vote, but I have received money for my principles."

"Smile first thing in the morning, and get it over with."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"On marriage: I was once married to a woman who insisted on reading Shakespeare. The woman was a fanatic."

"Here's to women! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands."

"Avoid temptation. Flee from vice. And if you cannot flee, at least limp."

"What the world needs now is not more money, but less desire for it."

"I have been looking for a perfect man all my life. So far I haven't found him, but I found something better—a good sense of humor."

"I believe in getting into hot water. It keeps you clean."

"The best time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

"I would not say he was a friend of ours. Our paths have crossed, that's all."

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"I am a friend of fresh air. I open the windows and the neighbors shut theirs."

"The greatest thing about fatherhood is being able to stay in bed till 9 o'clock on Sunday morning."

"I once lost fourteen dollars on a horse. A woman said, 'I should think you'd be ashamed of yourself, betting on horses.' I said, 'The horse was ashamed of itself.'"

"I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."

"Comedy is a serious business, a weapon of offense and defense both."

"The man who doesn't make mistakes doesn't usually make anything."

"I never worry about action, but only about inaction."

"Age before beauty, as the saying goes."

"My dear, have you ever considered that it might be old age rather than wisdom that makes a man cautious?"

"I look like a quarry that Michelangelo got tired of."

"The higher you build your walls, the more you'll miss out on the view."

"I sometimes wonder what it is that keeps me here on Earth. Curiosity, I suppose, and a certain amount of hope."