W.C. Fields

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know something."

"I am Free of all prejudice. I have no bigotry of any kind and I can look anyone straight in the eye and tell them they're full of it."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"The juggler's art is in the timing and precision of the throw."

"Show me a woman who doesn't talk and I'll show you a dead woman."

"I would rather watch a man make a fool of himself than listen to him."

"The secret of life is to make money. The secret of making money is keeping it a secret."

"I never work before lunch. I just dawdle about."

"The truth is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself."

"My dentist is a sadist, but he's a fine one."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever—unless you have to dust it."

"I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."

"The man who goes to the office and sits at a desk all day is a fool."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's not the best politics."

"I have devoted my life to the art of the juggle, which requires constant practice."

"Men are beasts of burden. This is why women marry them."

"Success is not final, and failure is not fatal."

"The world is divided into two classes: those who believe the world is divided into two classes and those who don't."

"I have a brother who is more honest than I am, but less successful."

"Modesty died when the first man was born."

"The first thing to remember about acting is not to act."

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision that you can do something, you can do it."

"Happiness is a form of courage."

"Never take a drink before breakfast."

"It is better to have a friend in court than a pound of flesh."

"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

"You can't fool an old dog with new tricks, but you can try."

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that very existence is an act of rebellion."

"I never read a book I didn't have to."