W.C. Fields

"I would like to find a nice woman doctor, but the position appears to be filled."

"In my experience, man is a creature of contradictions."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"The most important thing in life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

"I believe a man's got to do what he's got to do, to do what he wants to do later."

"If there's a divine power, it would have a sense of humor."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"You can't trust politicians. They promise you everything and deliver nothing."

"The appetites of the flesh are not improper, they're natural."

"I have always been rather fond of my fellow man, but I seem to have a talent for choosing the wrong ones."

"Familiarity breeds contempt—and children."

"The smallest worm will turn being constantly trodden on."

"Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad."

"My heart bleeds for you, but I can stop the bleeding."

"I would not want to be caught dead in any of my films."

"Comedy is a serious business, and I take it seriously."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"Golf is a game played between a man and his conscience."

"You can't cheat an honest man."

"The world is getting to be such a terrible place that I'm forced to believe half of what I hear."

"Experience teaches slowly and at a cost."

"I am married to a woman who would chase me around the room with a rolling pin."

"Posterity is just around the corner, but nobody seems to want to go there."

"Childhood is the only time in a man's life when he is apt to be reasonable."