W.C. Fields

"The more I see of men, the more I prefer dogs."

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."

"I would have made a good Pope."

"A fellow must have a code, and mine is quite simple."

"The world is divided by people who think they understand the world and those who don't."

"I never met a man I didn't like, except for the ones I did."

"The secret of staying young is to always find something new to complain about."

"I have been told that I have a face that could stop a clock—preferably at a gun shop."

"A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain."

"The man who is always right is always wrong."

"The best thing about getting old is that all the things you wanted to do, you have."

"I am at peace with the world because the world pays no attention to me."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"The human race is divided into two classes: those who work and those who don't."

"Capitalism is the only system that transforms self-interest into the interest of society."

"I would rather watch a dog sleep than listen to most people talk."

"The secret of success is making your avocation your vocation."

"Every man has a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of a woman of his choice."

"I like to keep my finances in the red. It makes me feel alive."

"The world is getting so bad that I am thinking of shooting myself."

"A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and I'd step over my mother just to get one."

"I have been poor and I have been rich. Believe me, rich is better."

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."

"If a man be in earnest in his endeavors he shall prosper."

"Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician."

"I am not a hypocrite. I am just inconsistent."

"The more things change, the more they stay the same, which is why I never change anything."

"Education is the most wonderful thing, as long as you don't let it interfere with your thinking."

"I have found that the best way to deal with life is to laugh about it."

"A man's character is his fate, but his sense of humor is his salvation."