W.C. Fields

"I would not say he drinks. I would say he has a more pleasant way of approaching his work."

"I was in love once. It was wonderful. Then I woke up."

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."

"I once knew a fellow who liked to sit outdoors and feel the cool breeze. Then he got pneumonia and died."

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."

"Golf is a game where you chase a little white ball around a field you don't own, in clothes you wouldn't wear if you didn't have to play golf."

"A juggler with one eye? That's a waste of a good eye."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I feel the need for prayer."

"The man who doesn't believe in himself has an audience that agrees with him."

"I never vote for anything. I always vote against."

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."

"I have kids from one end of this state to the other."

"Time is the greatest teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students."

"I was a 21-year-old virgin. I think that's still a record."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"There's nothing sacred in show business. It's all a big con."

"The secret of my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could."

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for."

"Kindness is something I've never believed in. But it works."

"What are taxes but highway robbery? Except the highway robber doesn't have a badge."

"The town blacksmith fell asleep as the fire died down. That must have been hard for him."

"After studying the book of life for forty years, I've found that the beginning and ending are better than the middle."

"I would have made a good Pope."

"Children should neither be seen nor heard from ever again."

"A widower is a fascinating creature. Especially if he's wealthy."

"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig."

"I like an occasional drink or two a day."

"I don't have one bit of talent. I'm just an ordinary fellow."

"The man who lived by hope alone was philosophically sound but not warmly dressed."

"Everybody says I should go back to vaudeville. I'm saving that for my old age."