W.C. Fields

"I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"The more I see of men, the more I like my horse."

"I've been things and seen places."

"A man's best friend is his dog. Unless the dog is a republican."

"Golf is a grand game, chiefly because you can play it till you're ninety-two."

"If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all again. Provided the ending was different."

"The only thing that scares me is a woman with a smile and a check book."

"Show me a man without an inflated ego and I'll show you a dead man."

"I spent half my money on gambling, women, and drink. The other half I wasted."

"I can't say I was inspired. I was merely perspired upon."

"The great secret of successful marriages is accepting that he's always right and she's always right."

"I look like a vaudeville actor who's forgotten how to be funny."

"Money is not everything. But it makes a comfortable cushion for everything else."

"The expense of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"A man's got to take the bitter with the sour."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"I never trust a man who doesn't drink, because he's got to get his kicks somehow."

"The most important thing in life is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Comedy is a serious business, and I take it lightly."

"Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."

"I've never been a believer in excessive work. A man should enjoy his life."

"The smallest amount of money doesn't interest me unless I haven't got it."

"My illness is due to my doctor. He's refused me whiskey."

"I look like a haddock-faced, sympathetic sort of chap."

"It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."

"You can't trust water. Even a fish won't drink it."

"I would not want to be remembered as a straight man."