W.C. Fields

"Conscience does make cowards of us all."

"I believe in living every day like it's your last, but not like it's your first."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions and cigarette butts."

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig."

"A woman drove me to drink, and I'm eternally grateful."

"The only thing I like better than talking about myself is listening to other people talk about me."

"Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the players lie well."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"Children should neither be seen nor heard from ever again."

"A man must learn to laugh at himself, otherwise he'll die angry."

"The key to education is the key."

"I've always believed that hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?"

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's not the best politics."

"There are only two things that matter in life: good health and a short memory."

"I prefer temperance, but I'm willing to be intemperate about it."

"My heart is as pure as the driven slush."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"A woman is just as funny as a man, and in many cases funnier."

"The reason I can't explain it to you is because you lack the brains to understand it."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"I've dedicated my life to the pursuit of perfection, which is why I've never felt fulfilled."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it all."

"I am not a man who is afraid of facing reality, but I try not to go out of my way to look for it."

"The truth is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself."

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."