W.C. Fields

"I've always been a believer in the power of positive drinking."

"The world is a wonderful place, provided you stay indoors."

"I have respect for the past, but I'm a man of the present and future."

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body, and just as tedious."

"A man who can't forgive a woman who's wronged him is a vindictive man."

"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights."

"I've spent my entire life trying to impress people, and the only thing I've impressed is my need for a drink."

"Dignity is the one thing that can't be bought, sold, or pawned."

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

"I would never want to be a quitter, but I'd hate even more to be a ceaseless worker."

"A thing of beauty is a joy, but eventually it needs to be dusted."

"I've never believed in luck, but I'm willing to pay for it."

"The difference between a man and his dog is that a dog thinks you're perfect."

"Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it but don't swallow it."