W.C. Fields

"Actors should be children. They should be willing to learn and willing to take direction."

"The art of living is largely that of dealing with problems."

"Success is having a fife and drum band following you, but nobody's listening."

"I am a man of principle. I wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Time wounds all heels."

"A thing of beauty is a joy until it requires dusting."

"Familiarity breeds contempt, and children."

"I once knew a chap who had a system of making money on the horses. He's now making money on the chain gang."

"Sorrow is the only thing that costs nothing."

"The best thing about my family is that we're dysfunctional in interesting ways."

"I've always said that if I had to choose between my wife and my dog, I'd miss my dog."

"A man without ambition is like a fish without a bicycle."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"I've never met a man I didn't dislike."

"The secret of life is to enjoy the passage of time."

"Looking at life from a different perspective makes you realize that it's not the deer that's jumping in front of your car, but you're the one who's hitting the deer."

"A rich man is one who spends less than he makes."

"The man who goes to bed and says nothing, accomplishes nothing."

"I've performed in 26 countries and I've never been asked to stay."

"Anybody can remember your name if they really want to."

"Distilled spirits should only be consumed for medicinal purposes."

"The worst thing about work is that it interferes with your leisure."

"Petting a dog is like a perpetual short vacation."

"I didn't say it would be easy; I said it would be worth it."

"A thing of beauty is sometimes a bore forever."

"The craft of lying has become so polished it doesn't look like lying anymore."

"There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless."

"A man's true character comes out when he's had a few drinks."

"The greatest accomplishment of a man is knowing when to quit."

"I am a juggler, but not with balls."