W.C. Fields

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"I am at two with nature."

"The same chemicals that make gasoline make people drunk. But you can't drink gasoline."

"My heart belongs to Daddy. Unfortunately, his heart belongs to the bottle."

"Words fail me. Not that words often succeed anyway."

"There is nothing more important than good health. Except good money."

"The world is getting to be such a small place that eventually we'll all be living in each other's pockets."

"I smoke fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something."

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"Philadelphia's a tough audience. I always lose money there, but I say that's the price of doing business."

"The world needs more laughter. And less sense."

"I would kill for a good martini. Almost literally."

"The secret to living happily is to avoid people like me."

"I never went to medical school, but I've treated myself with considerable success."

"On the whole, I prefer not to spend too much time with horses."

"A man may be down but he's never out. Unless he's dead."

"I have been married four times. As far as I can tell, it didn't take."

"The secret of being interesting is to say the first thing that comes into your head."

"I like children. Fried."

"Comedy is a serious business. More serious than tragedy, actually."

"A man is never too old to learn something stupid."

"The secret to my success is moderation. Except in drinking."

"I have always kept a brandy bottle for medicinal purposes. Also for fun."

"Some boob invented alcohol. Thank God he did."

"If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know."

"The man who reads nothing at all is better off than the man who reads tabloids."

"I believe in getting into hot water. It keeps you clean."

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."

"Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad."