W.C. Fields

"The world is full of conflict and contradiction, which is why I drink."

"I have never been in love, but I have always been in debt."

"The secret of a long life is knowing when to quit."

"A woman is the only thing that can make a man think he's happy when he's miserable."

"The best time to do something about the future is right now."

"I believe in the power of positive drinking."

"The man who doesn't drink has a terrible memory—he remembers everything."

"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion, but doesn't."

"The world would be a better place if everyone would just drink more and talk less."

"I have nothing to declare except my debts and my thirst."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"The smallest worm will turn being constantly trodden on."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"Whenever I drink whiskey, I think of my poor departed mother. She hated whiskey."

"The human mind is at its best when listening to a good liar."

"I believe a man should do something good for himself on the weekend. I drink."

"If I had to choose between a woman and a cigar, I'd choose the cigar."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"The thing I love about my country is that Americans start all over again."

"Anything for a laugh. That's my philosophy."

"I never worry about action, but only about inaction."

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I have never been hurt by what I have not said."

"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"Familiarity breeds contempt, and children."

"There is something about a woman that makes a man wish he had gotten married even if he doesn't have a wife."

"I have had a wonderful life, but I made a terrible mistake in marrying."

"The world is getting to be such a small place that pretty soon we'll all be living in each other's laps."